I am going to do something not many people do, and not many have done before. I am going to expose myself to the world. I am going to allow myself to be vulnerable and subject to judgement.

Let me tell you a story about my most recent experience.

Infinity Rhode is my pseudonym. I am not ready to reveal my identity yet.

Let’s call him John. John is not his real name, but out of privacy, I will call him John. John dumped me in high school. We were at a party, my first party. He saw some other girls and moved on instantly. I was devastated. John was my sweetheart, and he dropped me like garbage. I had a lot of friends, but I was a shy girl, mostly immersing myself in my music. After the breakup, I changed schools. I couldn’t bear to be around John. My life took a very drastic change after the move, and to this day, I am not sure if it was for better or for worse.

In July 2022, one of our dear friends, and in my case, extended family, tragically died in a freak accident. We will call him Ted. Ted was my ex-boyfriend before my sister married his brother. They were family. The funeral was August 20th, 2022. I did not expect to see John at the funeral, but he was there, and we immediately started rekindling the relationship. John lived three hours north, but was courting me, and was trying to get to know me again.

Before too long, John asked me on a date at a Disney event. I said yes and was so excited and nervous at the same time. The event was rained out, but we spent the night together, and were inseparable ever since. A few weeks later, John officially asked me to be his girlfriend.

I have been through some major hard times in life (I will tell those stories later), but things seemed different with John. He seemed to put me first and he seemed to have his head on his shoulders. John also apologized for how he treated me in high school. He had much regret and said he always thought of me. He promised he would never hurt me again.

I lived in the same home for 10 years. I solely took care of my two children and my mother financially, and I remained single for a very long time. I did not want to get hurt or put my family in a position of hurt. I was a single parent, never married, raising both of my children alone.

John and I carefully discussed the future, and that it made the most sense for me to move in with him, since he owned his house, and I just got a new job where I could work remotely. I was driving up and living there Thursdays-Mondays, bringing up belongings every week, and we agreed to move my mother and my son up after my son finished out the 5th grade school year. We agreed it was not going to be easy, but we would work through any hard times, because there would be some ups and downs.

John and I loved each other. We enjoyed staying at home watching Star Wars, organizing, working outside, cooking and making drinks, we are both musicians, so we enjoyed playing music together, or going to theme parks on the weekends, or just hanging out at Home Depot, Publix or a liquor store, our three favorite places besides Disney. We remodeled one of the guest rooms for my son to make it the coolest room for a 12-year-old. We prepared the other room for my elderly mother.

John and I discussed combining incomes and how we would be a power couple. We were planning on being in this home for a year, and then move into a bigger place. We frequently internet browser Redfin in different locations and homes, agreeing we wanted some acreage, and to be closer to the theme parks.

After my son finished the school year, we moved my mother and my son into our home. My daughter was 19 and decided to move elsewhere. My mother, my son and I left 90% of our possessions. We took some clothing and a few other keepsakes, but John said he had everything we could possibly need, so we abandoned it and left it behind. It was the start of a new and happy life. I was starting from the ground up. New job, new home, new family. I was excited for the journey and for the future.

Over some time, John got a promotion, and a whole new job description. He became a bit distant, and I addressed it as one of these times we should talk about the ups and downs and how to make both of us feel secure. We had some great times after that, and some down times too, but what happened next, I was never expecting.

After an incredible weekend together, and a small disagreement, John served me with papers to get out of his house and said that he didn’t love me. After ten years in our old home, 3 hours south, and with almost no possessions, one week before school started, I did not know what I was going to do for myself, for my elderly mother, and for my son. I was once again devastated by John.

John had never been married, he did not have kids, and was very much accustomed to being alone. He once had a girlfriend that lived with him for a few years, but that fell off. He says she cheated, but I don’t quite believe or know the full story.

With 5 days to vacate his property, I was in shock. I attempted to talk with him, understand what was going on, and reason with him since we had no where to go and were in no position to start over. John seemed like a different person, and there was nothing I could say or do.

HOW MANY TIMES IN MY LIFE DO I NEED TO BE THROWN AWAY?!

I was not expecting what happened next, for it must have been a flight or fight response. I did not crawl into a ball and cry hysterically. I immediately joined a gym, and a dating site, I immediately stopped drinking, and focused solely on my well-being. I found a new motivation, a new power, and no matter what John or any man says or does to me, I was determined to feel so good inside like I had a secret, like I was a superhero, and no one knew my identity.

I continued to be kind to John, even doing his laundry, cleaning, cooking, and other things. He would disappear some nights and weekends, but I didn’t focus on him. I focused on myself and to continue to be a kind, good person, and be strong for my mother and my son.

I received a lot of attention on the dating sites, but I had zero interest, and honestly didn’t trust a single man on the other end, and their motivation for conversing with me. My goal was to take it slow and meet quality people, but I was going up blank. I did not want to give up on love or on making friends, and go down a deep, dark, depressed hole. I knew what I wanted, and I knew what I didn’t want.

Today, I am still looking for a home for my family and myself. With legal help, I have extended my time here, although it is extremely hurtful and uncomfortable. I am disgusted by dating sites, and don’t see why I should pay money to meet people that are not compatible with me, however there isn’t much option for meeting people now days.

And that is when it occurred to me, I will make my own site, opening to the world in a very unconventional way, and allowing you all to find me a husband since I am quite jaded, yet still hopeful that a fairy tale could happen someday.